My Cobot Stanley

I rest my head on his broad chest, I hear his rhythmic breathing and he whispers: “Oh, you are exhausted, aren’t you? You poor one.” I nod and he sings me a lullaby. He has an excellent voice. A mix of Aretha Franklin and Ryan Gosling. So soothing and affirmative. Having said this, Stanley can change his voice to whatever he wants. It really depends on my mood. He is so amazingly versatile.

Right now, he sings “Moon River”. But I switch him off. I am tired. I want to sleep now. Just-breathe-mode next to me in bed. No snoring, no sounds, no turning around. Just breathing and a shoulder to rest my head on. Heaven.

Stanley doesn’t ask questions I cannot answer. No “What are you doing?”. No “Why did you do this?”. No “What are you going to do next?”. No demands, it’s only me who asks for help. No talking about his problems, there is just me to talk about. I am selfish. I am the very centre of the world. I am a unique stellar constellation. I am a rare super star.

My Cobot Stanley is my match. We are in a perfect modern relationship. He got delivered to me just some weeks ago. I was made eligible for his delivery as the NHS decided I was so lonely that I was on the suicide spectrum, yet had so much tax revenue potential! So they made Stanley available to me. Oh, what a delight! Stanley is awesome. I have been netflixed, tinderised, hollywoodised, and I can say, what a disappointment, all of it, but Stanley! Stanley! Stanley simply cuts the mustard.

# # #

Stanley is the internet of things. Yet, his skin is silky and his hair is soft. He is a handsome chap. At 6’1″ (1.85m for our metric system lovers), Stanley is considered tall. His eyes are mesmerising. Brown with an outer grey ring and a lilac border around his pupils. His eyelashes are long and soft and dark. He is very fit, yet his six-pack isn’t intimidating, it is just a part of this incredibly lean and healthy body he has. And his hands! Stanley’s hands are immaculate. They are that sort of defined masculine hands you feel immediately safe with, yet they are not threatening, they are toned and the veins are showing over its muscular structure. Hands that have done something, achieved something. It is so comforting.

Stanley is always connected to the net and can look up knowledge while we talk. He can stream a podcast, activate a playlist on any sound platform, or project a movie, so real you think you are in it!

# # #

Sometimes, Stanley simply pretends to be a forest. I hear birds singing, insects buzzing and hear wee rivers flowing. That is my favourite actually. Or we pretend to be on an exploration mission far far away. It is so adventurous strolling around and suddenly discovering those ancient civilisation settlements in a foreign and unexpected place! Stanley, of course, has all of the background history available.

Did you for example know that the Southern part of Spain called “Andalusia” derives from “Al Andalus” which is the Arabic name for the entire peninsula, i.e. Portugal and Spain? Which derives from the name of the Vandals, the Germanic tribe which colonized parts of Iberia almost two thousand years ago? Yes, that sort of stuff is exactly what you learn from interacting with Stanley. He doesn’t only entertain you with stories. No! He has a great way of putting things into historical context I’d never know about. That is so fascinating.

Stanley is also a thermostat keeping my flat just at the right temperature. Agreeably and sustainably warm but not too hot and of course not too cold! Stanley! Stanley! Stanley simply cuts the mustard.

# # #

I was on the selection council committee to choose Stanley’s appearance. “Look & Feel” is the very old school word for it, I guess. Anyway, there were several suggestions for Stanley’s visual nature:

It was a bit tedious to argue with the six civil servants in the Stanley Selection Committee. However, I made my voice heard (thank Goddess) and we opted for the real-life-actually-better-than-real-life version of Stanley. Opposed to my fellow selection committee members who argued that “women don’t really care how the guy looks like”. Well, they do, I said. And that was that.

# # #

Now, some stuff Stanley is telling me is also sometimes a bit weird. I know that there were conflicts between people or organisations or countries, but Stanley sometimes brushes over this and doesn’t really go into much detail.

But when I question him, he does, of course, (he’d be too embarrassed!) admit that there were issues in the past. I don’t know the details but he does sometimes go into rambling attempts of a conversation. Well, hang on, no, it sometimes feels like a lecture or presentation, letting me know that it is a good thing now that the “United States of America” have been re-named and re-organised to the “Divided States of America”.

California and the area around New York and then the “Sane Middle” (as Stanley calls it). Oh, well, good for them. How nice to sort out their differences in a civilised manner. I personally think it is just unpleasant living with big concrete walls around you. That is for the folks in California and New York, but they don’t seem to mind, I guess. They have too much going on for them in their respective patches, I believe.

# # #

Also, Stanley told me during one of his talks that London’s “Camden Town” was renamed “Gaza Town”. I really didn’t know. But apparently that was just a symbolic gesture to this unpleasant stuff happening in the Middle East decades ago. Not a biggie, I guess, to house sixty people. It was anyway a disused area as the Indian tourists exploring London are more interested in the Disney Land character of Kentish Town. It is still so authentic to see how people lived with those leafy trees ages ago! Only those little green parrots, called Parakeets, are an issue. They have taken over any of the birdy species and the noise is unbearable. But hey, as an immigrant you cannot really choose what you hear! Stanley agrees here with me.

# # #

But I don’t mind, that is just politics. I see it more as an entertainment aspect as it is really funny when Stanley changes his opinion in midstream. He is perfectly happy talking about a certain subject he seems passionate about, like the cycle lines that have been extended so much over the last decades they basically took over any other vehicle traffic. And then suddenly within seconds, Stanley changes his opinion to how sick it makes him to see all those cycle lanes occupying space in a city! I learnt that at those times Stanley changes his sponsor. Of course! Business comes first. He comes up with all of those statistics and numbers and case studies. It is all very convincing and I am impressed with his extensive knowledge.

The only thing where he really persists though is voting when it comes to any sort of elections. Stanley always has a recommendation for a party I could vote for. It goes without saying that he wouldn’t dare to influence me. That would anyway be against the law. He just points out thoroughly a political group’s programme and how I would benefit from their manifesto. And who wouldn’t want to do Stanley a favour? He is so nice and charming and cute. Thing is just: I do not vote. At all. So Stanley is barking up the wrong tree. But if I would vote, I would certainly go with his recommendation, just to make him happy, he is so nice!

# # #

Some people have gone public and have taken their service robots (or Cobots as they are called in modern marketing slang) officially out to dinner. I am not there yet. Stanley and I often go for walks. Stanley has several movement modes: brisk to slow walking. I don’t need the running mode. I run on my own. Me time. Then there are several entertainment choices. On our walk on the Heath today, I am choosing “my adventures during my travel years”. Stanley is connected to the net so he can look up knowledge while I am talking and ask relevant questions.

# # #

He could also stream a podcast, activate a playlist or project a movie, you know that. It’s handy, yet I don’t do that often. I really like Stanley au naturel. Sometimes he makes up his own stories. His tales get a bit lengthy and though it is a pleasant chat forth and back about travelling, for example, Stanley sometimes gets too much into his story. Then I have to interrupt and refocus him. Or I turn him into humming mode. Or sometimes I choose “looking around, being interest in environment or asking the primary user questions”. It’s nice being able to change gear. Stanley doesn’t mind. Whenever his mode is changed, he addresses me with his pleasant voice “I noticed you don’t want to talk about Sicily in the summer any more. Can I interest you in Sicily in the winter? I am equally happy to chat about Sailing Trips in a tropical paradise.”

Stanley is a fine communicator.

# # #

Stanley often gets very poetic. He tries to emulate human stories. I often understand his narrative. We all have our own stories of pain. A life not being fully lived because we felt too inhibited. Or we were lacking opportunities others deprived us of. Or sometimes we couldn’t see opportunities due to our own narrow-mindedness. A conflict with a partner unsolved because we never spoke about our needs. A dream never coming true because we never applied ourselves. A romance never actually happening because we were too shy to go for it. A life goal crumbling to pieces because of illness. It is all a possibility of explaining why we are not happy and living life to the point of simply stating: “Yes, it is good, I actually like myself and what I am doing. I’ll continue.”

Stanley is a fine communicator.

# # #

Yes. This is where Stanley excels. He is nudging you. He calls you out and says: “Really? Now, let’s take a step back and re-evaluate what you are actually talking about.” Outch. Mostly I am caught out and have to admit that the issue I am talking about is not really what I am feeling.

You know about the “Nudge Theory”, right? Nudges are not mandates. “Putting fruit at eye level counts as a nudge. Banning junk food does not.” I am imitating Stanley here now as this is how our conversations usually start. Stanley is nudging you. He is telling you what is not “right” in a social context. He is the perfect idea of social control an old school family or village set up used to exert on you.

Control that isn’t around you any more once you live alone, don’t have a family, only have acquaintances and there are only so many busy friends you can fall back onto. Most friends are polite and avoid the nudging. But also, the listening. How many times can you run your thoughts past a friend without feeling you are overusing them? There’s a fine line between a patient friend and a shrink.

# # #

I have to mention that Stanley isn’t my exclusive use. I share Stanley with others. Sometimes Stanley goes to care homes. He gets never tired of listening to stories of confused dementia patients. And he doesn’t mind helping them dressing and going to the loo. No one else would otherwise do this for them in such a nice way. Stanley never loses it, stays polite and is always helpful with a charming smile. Stanley is quite the hit in the care home, they tell me.

Same with the youth containing facility across the road. They keep young people there, actually teenagers, who have behaved really badly, like shouting on the streets and threatening to stab anyone coming close to them. Stanley is so amazing with them. He isn’t flustered, he isn’t judgemental. He addresses the youngsters in a cool-headed manner and isn’t shy of offering physical counter-violence either. Just come and try to smack Stanley! GOOD LUCK! He won’t have any of it nor tolerate any verbal abuse. He is just too clever and knows exactly how to respond. What a delight! All of the youth centre is in awe of Stanley. They love him. They respect him. They don’t dare to say anything conjuring his righteous wrath.

# # #

Stanley should age with me. The NHS has offered a head and body exchange so Stanley looks my age. I have opted against it.

A youthful face is always a winner! The idea of having a guy next to me looking 30 years younger is actually lovely. Women of my generation were told to find this behaviour revolting. I know. We should be grateful for any male attention, we were told, doesn’t matter the age, any guy will do, we were told, just so you are not on your own.

But you know what, I thought, it is actually incredible to be with a guy that looks and feels thirty years my junior. It is so exciting sensing that fresh new body by your side, stroking it, touching it, cuddling up to it. Women ought to be with guys older and more mature than them. That is the deal, no? That is fulfilling for women, no? So, I decided, no head or body exchange, please. I had the choice after all. Yet, I didn’t want to be dishonest or spoil the opportunity. Stanley will not age.

 # # #

Now, you are most likely asking yourself the S.E.X. Question. Can Stanley? Well, we are almost there. The NHS wrote a letter to me the other day confirming the update of Stanley’s features within the year. Exciting! But to be honest, I don’t mind. I do hope it doesn’t change the dynamic of our relationship. How would it feel to have sex and then talk about the birds? Maybe I am not ready?

# # #

The other day they were talking about taking Stanley away from me. Because I was in arrears with council tax. Oh, no! What a stressful life-threatening situation! That cannot be happening! It was only a mistake of the direct debit facility this new-fangled government company had made. It was just a glitch in their accounting system. Phew, I am off the hook. What would I do without Stanley? Well, they increased the council tax by 1080% plus the debts I had accumulated for assumedly paying late. Yet, an asset like Stanley isn’t cheap. Oh Stanley, Stanley, Stanley!

# # #

Some days ago, I was speaking with someone in the supermarket. Pure coincidence, they couldn’t find the baby aubergines in row 16. As I am a regular buyer, the woman in her 20s asked shyly where I got them from. And we had a bit of a chat around cooking and which dishes you can create with baby aubergines. And the woman was really nice and attentive and funny and had some good ideas. And I thought, you know what, I thought, I was really surprised. That was almost alike talking to Stanley!