Don’t know how to react to that? I say: Tit for Tat!

It’s not strictly what the Catholic Church commends. At least not the New Testament. 

Experiments with Artificial Intelligence have directed us towards successful behaviour strategies in social interactions. In the 1980s the math whizz and psychologist Anatol Rapoport managed to prove that being nice is good. There’s a twist of course. 

First, define success of the experiment I hear you say. Quite right. Well, it’s last wo*man standing to play in a game. Survival. 

This game theory goes like this: Always start nice, continue to play nice, stay nice. Until the other side goes rogue, pisses you off or tries to take advantage of you being nice. Then strike back with equal power, stop playing nice at once. As soon as the other side shows signs of remorse and cedes being an ass, return immediately back to nice mode.

Summary: Being nice is the default behaviour strategy. But here’s the trick: Equally, there’s no limitations to retaliate in case of un-nice behaviour from the other side. 

The Tit for Tat concept makes sense to me in a relationship world that will get even more complicated and nuanced, the more we have time at our hands.

It’s an oversimplification, I know. But I like this thought play and the uncomplexity of its painted behaviour code. It’s a feeling of relief in an over-strategised business world where I am going through a 500-points checklist before I am even opening my mouth, not to mention the well-thought-out and cunning Strategic Alignment Framework preparing us for what the audience, stakeholders or negotiating party might have up their sleeve.

The Tit for Tat concept makes sense to me in a relationship world that will get even more complicated and nuanced, the more we have time at our hands. Time given to us as gift, the fruit of an incessant progress of automation. Time freeing us from manual labour or repetitive tasks. Time for leisure. Time for play. Time to interact with a fellow human being.

Guess this is why so many of us are indulging in TV, video games or occupying themselves with their phones and apps. It’s so much easier for our running-behind-and-not-having-caught-up-with-the-consequences-of-technology brain. Technology, funnily enough, the same brain has brought upon us.

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But here is I feel the fine print in the “Tit for Tat” concept: When is enough enough and time to stop being nice? Anyway, what is nice?

One day, I am pure serenity, I am Teflon Woman. Nothing sticks: Oh, don’t worry, colleague A, it’s ok, I did all the work for the presentation but your input was so invaluable. And oh, you are an hour late, Boyfriend X or Affair Y, it’s fine, I was in fact reading this super interesting article I always wanted to while waiting.

And then the other day, you just lose it only because the (mainly French, of course!) tourists just don’t get it that they are supposed to stand on the RIGHT side of the escalator in the underground. My god, people, what is wrong with you? Isn’t that a hardwired given in anyone’s DNA that you make way on the LEFT side for other people to walk, no, to rather run down, so they can get this VERY important train to an EXTREMELY important meeting, a meeting with the subject: “How to reduce our paper waste for our printer through creative verbal communication strategies”?!!??? Pha!!!!

Or you are hangover. Or tired. Or hungry. A state of mine where I am instantly reverting to the equivalent of a miserable crotchety 3-year-old. 

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It’s a fine line, isn’t it? Knowing that you are not receiving nice vibes back any more. Knowing when you are the ass and to just stop it. Knowing what constitutes a balanced interaction with others. Knowing when to say “excuse me, no, ain’t gonna happen”. Knowing when to be cool and just let it go.

When it comes to yourself, that’s my approach: Take a deep breath, remove yourself from the situation, and most importantly try to be in a sane frame of mind in the first place. Indeed, a struggle in itself.

When it comes to others, I guess, asking yourself when enough is enough, is already the wrong question. It means the mark has already been overstepped. It’s too late. You are far too angry already. It’s high time to tit (as in tat). And to learn next time to not let it go that far. Fire back, react, respond as soon as something from the other side doesn’t feel “nice” any more.

Asking and not assuming is one of the most underrated means of de-escalation and prevention of the unproductive sort of conflict.

Chances are that you yourself are then not overshooting either with your response. As you’re still in a sane state, as you haven’t left it too long to respond and let anger build up unnecessarily, as then you still have the mental scope to ask the magic question when in doubt before firing back:

“How do you mean that? I am unclear about what you are saying and I want to understand.”

Asking and not assuming is one of the most underrated means of de-escalation and prevention of the unproductive sort of conflict.

Practice is crucial, it’s behaviour hygiene, the more we do it, the easier it will get to judge if something really bothers us or we shouldn’t get fired up in the first place and to play Tit for Tat with smooth serenity and forceful determination. 

So here’s my plea: Let’s be generous, let’s have patience with each other. Just for crying out loud, don’t pour so much of that milk in my coffee, would you now?